(This Story is from the Funion section of the Student Vanguard. The Funion is our parody and comedy page.)
By Bob Stewart
Golfer Rory McIlroy has been expelled by the executive committee of the Professional Sports Big Time Chokers International Federation (PSBTC). Apparently, due to his impressive win at the U.S. Open, McIlroy does not fit in the illustrious organization anymore. It was thought that he was sure to have a major meltdown like he did earlier in the year at the Master’s. Federation President LeBron James issued a statement:
“We no longer feel Rory McIlroy represents the qualities indicative of a big time choker. It is unfortunate as his young age had us excited about the prospects of future failures. Alas, he has demonstrated that the epic failure at the Master’s may have just been an fluke. That is simply unacceptable.”
Although McIlroy’s success led people to suspect he could be expelled, it was not a foregone conclusion. Former Red Sox First Baseman Bill Buckner was the committee chairman in the late 1990’s when John Elway was allowed to stay in the PSBTC even though he won the Super Bowl.
“Yeah, back then we felt he had enough of a track record of chokes to overlook the one success” said Buckner, who is now in the Chokers Hall of Fame, “but the next year he had to be out. Two wins was too much.”
New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez is a voting member of the board. He felt that McIlroy’s lack of a track record was the biggest thing going against him.
“He only choked once! Normally that won’t even get you in right away, but it was a big one so we made an exception” said A-Rod.
Buckner was asked why A-Rod was allowed to stay in after helping the Yankees defeat the Phillies in the 2009 World Series. Many people see this as a redemption equal to McIlroy’s. “Because the Phillies were using Pedro stinking Martinez for crying out loud! Him, a rookie, and a guy who hadn’t thrown a good inning in a year and Brad Lidge. Heck, I could come out of retirement and hit off of him. Besides, A-Rod’s homer had to go to instant replay and it clearly should have been a double. Then he got hit by a pitch by Chad Durbin and acted like a sniper shot him. I mean Durbin? C’mon! If that guy hits you, you should have to get confirmation from the Ump to be sure. There was just not enough to overcome all of his classic failures in the past,” Buckner said. He also added, “Besides, you should see the tail he brings to the annual meetings!”
In addition to James, Buckner and A-Rod, the other voting members of the board are a representative of the 2007 New York Mets, a representative of the 2004 New York Yankees, Golfer Greg Norman, and Decathlete Dan O’Brien.
Another member said that it possible for McIlroy to return to the organization. Scott Norwood, who was an instant member after missing a chip shot to win the Super Bowl in 1991, had some advice for the young golfer.
“Look, all is not lost. The British open is coming up. Being Irish makes this a big deal for McIlroy. If he can get a lead and blow it on the back 9 on Sunday that would be huge. May I suggest shanking a drive wide right?”